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KITSCH CULTURE & Cuisine in Kalk Bay

By Roy Watts

If Adderley Street is Cape Town’s Grande Dame and Long Street her roustabout cousin, then Main Road Kalk Bay is the eccentric Bohemian Aunt.

As part of an arterial that stretches from the CBD to Cape Point, it adds a capricious dimension to a motorway that undergoes many mood swings en route to its destination. Sandwiched between stately St James and the bland sobriety of Fishhhoek, is a kaleidoscope of quaint antique shops, art galleries, and quirky restaurants.

On weekends a lively horde of citizens from every walk of life, converge on this narrow stretch of festivity to soak up the unique atmosphere. And creating a backdrop is the wellspring of this colourful community, the Kalk Bay Harbour, a picture postcard anchorage where the fishing folk, with roots stretching back into history, live work and play. Arrive at the right time and you’ll be able to buy your fish on the quayside, and get it cleaned and scaled by the skilled ladies who have been practising their craft for generations. All of this is in sharp contrast to the 4x4/Rolex culture of the Atlantic seaboard, on the opposite side of the Peninsula.

Snoopy would agree – it was a dark and stormy night. Angry waves crashed down on menacing rocks along a rugged shoreline. Snug within the warmth of a wooden galley surrounded by heavy oak beams, copper and brass artefacts from a bygone maritime age and a huge ship’s wheel, I was grateful for my ration of rum warding off the chill. This was not an extract from a Robert Louis Stevenson yarn, but an evening of revelry in the renowned Brass Bell pub, a famous watering hole set in a sprawling edifice dating back to1939.

The main entrance is right on the station’s platform, and the whole property backs into the Indian Ocean, which is kept at bay by a rugged breakwater forming a tidal pool between the sea and the buildings. Crammed into the intimacy of a pub with its wondrous nautical ambience, is a cast of regulars that would warm the cockles of a casting agent’s heart. In one corner, a heavily bearded Captain Ahab, or reasonable facsimile thereof, holds court with refugees from teetotal Fishhoek.

There’s not a designer label in sight, and you won’t find an atmosphere to match this, away from a British Pub. Adjoining the bar, is an informal lunch alcove, and further down the passage, a tastefully appointed, more formal restaurant. Both have wrap-around sea views. From this charismatic shop front, the complex descends down a stairway to a quixotic rabbit warren of open air decks, random buildings, and assorted nooks and crannies, all offering different culinary experiences.

On balmy weekends, mass enthusiasm overrides peeling paint, crumbling plaster, accidental design and badly weathered fittings as people tap into a unique alfresco proximity to the sea. After all, how many restaurants are built right into the ocean? Like much of Kalk Bay, there’s no sign that either an architect or a plumb line was used in the creation of this haphazardly appealing destination.

Further down the road is a Victorian building housing another famous Cape enigma, the Olympia Café and bakery, which takes the concept of ‘deprivation chic’ to new frontiers. Always packed to the gunnels, its main décor is an end wall festooned with a collection of attractive original paintings that compete valiantly with exposed patches of brickwork, industrial light fittings, spartan furniture and those old Kalk Bay staples – peeling paint and plaster. But the food is excellent, and on weekends you’ll be queuing with Bishopscourt and Constantia to get into an institution where enthusiastic dining and a palpable buzz, create the ambience.

Across the street, the brash kid on the block, zany Cape to Cuba mixes Cuban bric-a-brac, customs and cuisine, in a mad hatter’s tea party. Wonderfully over the top, it has a stunning view of the harbour, and everything is for sale. (The owner constantly brings in container loads of collectibles from Havana). Converted from an old railway shack, it has a complete lack of architectural input to thank for its charm.

The brash kid on the block, zany Cape to Cuba

The most spectacular restaurant however, is the Harbour House across the water, and situated at the beginning of a protective breakwater extending into the sea. Diners can enjoy a boiling seascape just meters away, as they tuck into the speciality of the house, fish caught on the same day. Downstairs their companion restaurant, the Polana serves Portuguese fare in similarly spectacular ambience. And at the entrance to the complex, the Watermark, a cheap and cheerful seafood eatery, serves basic variations on a fish and chips theme, in rather more robust surroundings.

Continuing on the gastro-route, a wide range of dining experiences awaits exploration. There’s The Timeless Way, a tastefully appointed emporium offering a visit to a more genteel age, with ‘time honoured traditions of the Cape’ and cuisine to match. Further down the road, quaint bistros like Café Matisse, and Bohemia issue an alluring summons to passers-by. The Veggie Table and its adjoining Siamese twin, Habanero Mexicano offer vegetarian fare in one half, and Mexican food in the other. And tucked away at the back of the Kalk Bay Gallery there’s Decadence, a secret garden offering meals in outdoor splendour with a magnificent mountain backdrop.

If you’re looking for a farmhouse breakfast, a light lunch, or a truly decadent coffee break, The Kalk Bay Expresso is housed in an antique railway dining carriage parked near the end of the station platform. It is run by two sisters, wanted by the calorie police for serving a wicked selection of cakes and delicious chocochinos, moccachinos and even old fashioned cappuccinos. The carriage dates back to 1914, and climbing aboard signals a brief return to the graceful elegance of the past.

Right next door to the Kalk Bay Expresso, a bare patch of ground has been transformed into Sirocco, a unique Al Fresco restaurant where people lounge around on giant pillows sipping exotic cocktails, or nosh on delicious and reasonably priced meals. This is an ideal spot from which to watch the passing Kalkerati Kaleidoscope.

All these restaurants have sprung up because of the huge demand created by the explosion of art galleries, antique shops and quirky speciality stores selling collectibles of every description. The old Post Office is now The Kalk Bay Trading Post and surplus station offices have been converted into colourful shops like India Jane and Fanny’s.

So if its originality you’re looking for, this is Cape Town’s answer to Portobello road. Interspersed with serious antiques are wares of a more whimsical nature. I was fascinated by a waistcoat fashioned from Coca-Cola tins, and at China Town, came to realise that yesterdays kitsch is today’s collectible.

Pottery at Annie’s ceramic studio is made on the premises, and can be custom-made to specification. So if the Joneses seem to be getting ahead, Annie will knock up a set of Ming vases that probably won’t get past Sotheby’s, but should keep them guessing.

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Kalk Bay, with its unconventional disposition, has a cast of interesting local characters, street folk and ebullient buskers with varying degrees of musicality – and there’s nothing quite like off-key enthusiasm to put your hangover into overdrive. One of the most engaging personalities, is Gabriel, a wild looking mountain-man living high up in a cave behind the town. He practises his brand of the Hippocratic Oath by dispensing medicinal shrubs harvested from the surrounding hills. With today’s medical costs, you can’t take every heart attack to a doctor, so perhaps you should consult Gabriel before going for that bypass. You’ll find him in the third cave from the left.

Nobody epitomises the zany, crazy, south of surreal spirit of Kalk Bay more than Nicholas Ellenbogen, who performed his comedy productions in a tiny 40 seat theatre behind the Olympia Café, following packed houses at the Grahamstown Festival. The huge demand for this type of entertainment found him moving on to the Kalk Bay Kitchen set up in an old church on the Main Road. Here, for an all inclusive price, he regaled patrons with his distinctive brand of humour, and a three course meal. The frenetic popularity of the show found the restless Mr. Ellenbogen moving on yet again, to aptly named Il Postino, housed in a deserted Post Office further down the road in Muizenberg. Booking is always heavy for these farces, particularly in the season, and patrons would be well advised to phone 0732205430 to secure a table.

Finally, a suggestion. One of the great walks of the Cape starts next to the Muizenburg Station on a concrete walkway. Hugging the shoreline with waves breaking metres away, it progresses past a collection of brightly coloured bathing boxes from a bygone era, across a lush green stretch of lawn, and then moves on to the pavement skirting the Main road. En route it passes historic buildings like Rhodes’ Cottage and the Labia museum, before passing onto the stately grandeur of St James.

An ongoing backdrop of elegant architecture, some of it by Sir Herbert Baker, stretches up the hill, and along the entire length of the walk. After a stroll lasting some two and a half kilometres, you will arrive at the wonderful whimsical world of Kalk Bay. And here’s the best part, after an afternoon of off-beat eating drinking and browsing, simply hop on a train to be transported back to reality, and your car, waiting outside the Muizenburg station.

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