Are
you challenged, confounded or simply puzzled by social situations
brought about by a technological explosion happening at the speed of
light? Pitfalls are many and social mores in crisis. Leslie Back
views and reviews the niceties and nuances of etiquette in a new
age.
This
guide deals with rules of civility and also acts as a reminder of
courtesy however much, the rules of courtesy appear to have changed with
the times - manners matter! We need to adapt to a new etiquette.
Etiquette
is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as “the conventional rules
of behaviour in polite society.”
Goethe
wrote, “A man’s manners are a mirror in which he shows his
portrait.” {Fine words often forgotten.}
The
generation gap has produced a chasm of difference one must accept that
youth view situations differently, act differently, but should
nevertheless behave according to a code of conduct.
THE
WORKPLACE
The
workplace is an area that embraces many of the changes of attitude.
The feminist movement has created different expectations. Gender rules
have been pretty much discarded in the corporate culture. A woman
who is confident and gracious enough, may accept a door that is held
opened for her, but it cannot be expected as a right.
Familiarity
and nicknames are considered sexist and patronising. Sexual harassment is
the new ogre.This applies to everyone.
Inter-personal
skills are paramount, one has to interact with people of so many
backgrounds and mindsets. Colleagues should be treated courteously and
superiors with dignity and respect.
The
use of first or surnames is generally dictated by the office ethos.
Beware! The use of a first name does not confer familiarity.
Never
underestimate the importance of dress in the business arena. Abide
by the dress code of the organisation and when in doubt, take your lead
from your superiors. ‘Sexy’ is strictly out. Even if you
are a member of MENSA, you will be thought of disparagingly if you are
dressed as a sex kitten, no cleavage and thigh high skirts. Dressing
appropriately for any occasion is a good maxim.
The niceties, nuances and
details of conduct in the workplace will be revealed in time through
exposure. Good Luck!
CELL
PHONES
Cell phones are now taken
for granted. The cell phone explosion has produced a need for
a new set of manners and a new etiquette. There are exhaustive arguments
supporting both concepts. Marvels or monsters?
Marvels! They provide
communication in an emergency, are a boon away from a landline and essential when the telephone system is down. They have
modernised developing countries for those without landlines.
Monsters! The
frivolous use of cell phones in public places is old news and produces
horrendously bad manners.
It is a ludicrous sight seeing people
dining together, but busy communicating with others on their cell phones.
Why do invisible people take precedence over table companions? These
conversations are usually loud, showing no regard for fellow diners who
are not in the least interested in the caller’s travails. Indeed,
they can thoroughly ruin the dining experience for others.
Shopping is made more
unpleasant by the loud chattering of fellow shoppers with cell phones
glued to their ears in supermarkets.
Driving whilst holding a
phone to one’s ear is dangerous and hazardous to fellow motorists.
Thankfully, this has been outlawed, unless hands-free devices are used.
The system is still being abused.
Leaving
cell phones switched on in cinemas, theatres, lectures, meetings,
hospitals, doctor’s waiting rooms, courtrooms etc, is unforgivable. One
marvels at the complete oblivion of those having intensely private
conversations in lifts. There is no discreet avoidance mechanism
available to unfortunate trapped ‘cellmates’. Cell phones
can be switched off and messages retrieved later, so there is no need to
deliberately ignore signage requesting that they not be used. The
same principle applies to beepers; they can be switched to vibrate when
necessary.
Cell
phones are used frequently by today’s upwardly mobile generation to text
or SMS their friends, thank hostesses for occasions attended or to
acknowledge gifts. They usually repeat their gratitude when they next
telephone. Students SMS their lecturers with queries, avoiding the need to
be connected via a switchboard. Direct communication with parties
hitherto difficult to contact is made easy once cell numbers are known.
This is an intrusion and the ease of access has removed boundaries
previously rigidly observed and etiquette has yet to be developed to deal
with this.
As difficult as it might be
for some to believe, there was life before cell phones. Oprah Winfrey and
Larry King do not possess one. Amazing!
Perhaps the new etiquette
for the use of cell phones might be - if you must use your phone in
public, be brief and as quiet as possible and always observe signage
referring to your phone. As to the question of intrusion, just use
basic good manners and good sense. Imagine there is a switchboard or
secretary you have to encounter first. Then assess your chances of
getting through to the person you are seeking. Another time might
just be more acceptable.
“There is nothing more
pleasant than receiving a beautiful letter,” said Amy Vanderbilt.
Notes or telephone calls are often necessary. A hand written note is
always preferable to a typed offering unless your handwriting is
illegible.
The parents of the cell
phone-bound yuppies, do, for the most part, still make a special telephone
call or write a note to express thanks for hospitality, gifts, favours
etc.
But the salient point is
that whichever the method, it is essential to communicate with your
host or hostess after the event. It is unspeakably rude to merely
express your thanks at the door when leaving and to make no further
contact.
Presents must be mentioned
specifically and it therefore may be necessary to make a list of gifts
received.
It takes so little time to
acknowledge effort, energy and kindness and it is always appreciated.
The abuse of this gesture is contrary to all rules of good manners and
etiquette.
E-MAIL
'NETIQUETTE'
The
ease of e-mailing makes for casual correspondence. This method of
communication can never be a replacement for a personal ‘thank you’
letter or call. A formal letter or telephone call is required in
situations such as expressing condolences.
In our age of technological
marvels, hand written correspondence exudes a charm and graciousness that
cell phones, fax machines and e-mails cannot replicate. There is a
danger of the heritage of beautiful words being lost. The richness
of beautiful prose. E-mails are easily deleted and the e-mail shorthand
has produced a generation of younger people who really do not know the
correct spelling of words. Perhaps one day the Oxford English
Dictionary will include the truncated words. Imagine ‘gr8’ or
‘emul8’ in that august publication.
Never forget the might of
the pen. A personal note is almost like a gift, perhaps to be kept
and handed down to future generations. The collections of letters of
famous people have provided wonderful history and beautiful literature.
TIMING
Punctuality means so much.
It has become less important to some who are late for everything. Being
too early is as irritating as being late.
Timing is important for a
hostess. An over eager early guest can be as great an embarrassment and
nuisance as a guest who has no regard for time and is unconscionably late.
Punctuality is the courtesy of princes; some would do well to remember
this.
Knowing
when to leave is also important. There are various rules of convention.
Some suggest waiting until
fifteen minutes after coffee is served. Whichever system one
chooses, it must be flexible, but not so flexible as to leave hosts
exhausted and disenchanted by guests that just don’t know when enough is
enough.
ENTERTAINING
Being entertained in
someone’s home is a forum where manners and etiquette prevail.
Punctuality counts for much, as do many other factors. The dress code
should be observed if at all possible. If uncertain, a telephone
call to your host or hostess will clarify this point.
It is a courtesy to advise
hosts and hostesses about food constraints. The ‘healthy eating’
explosion has accompanied the techno-explosion.
A hostess needs to know if
you are a vegetarian, have food allergies, observe kosher or halaal laws
or just simply avoid certain foods.
For the hostess there are
many things to do and remember. A party is an opportunity to bring
people together, so invite those that will appreciate the invitation and
will make an effort to contribute to the success of the party. The
chemistry of the group is vital. While it is pleasant to be able to
invite like-minded people, do not invite one type of person only, just
doctors or lawyers for example. This can be deadly dull, whilst
inviting well-known adversaries may be abrasive.
A host would be wise to work
out the seating in advance and never let it happen by accident.
Choose your guests’ dinner partners carefully, using place cards or
table plans or merely by verbal agreement. Woe betides guests that
rearrange place cards to suit themselves. Beware the Romeo who has a
dalliance planned and place cards that move mysteriously.
Serve your guests from the
left. Drinks are always on the right. The starting point at a
sit down dinner is the woman at the host’s right. If the man
on the hostess’s right is the guest of honour, he is served first.
After that the service goes round the table clockwise.
Hostesses go to incredible
lengths to make their guests feel special, so do your bit and don’t go
into a decline as to whether you eat your asparagus with your fingers or
not. The ideal guest should take part in conversations and be a
lively and happy presence.
Home etiquette largely
applies when dining or entertaining in a restaurant. Certainly,
punctuality and seating arrangements apply, as well as making food
preferences known beforehand. Don’t spend an eternity studying the
menu and hogging the waiter with zillions of questions. Try and keep
a steady pace with the rest of the party and do not keep people gasping
for their next course whilst you pick at your starter. Table-hopping
is an example of grossly bad manners.
Tipping is generally
dependant on service and tends to be between 10% and 15% of the bill.
AT
THE TABLE
If you find the correct way
of eating certain foods daunting and are uncertain about certain dos and
don’ts of convention and it does matter about how to eat the asparagus,
here are some simple guidelines:
The entire slice of bread or
bread roll is not buttered all at once. Break the bread or the roll into
bite-sized pieces and butter each piece, as you need it.
Cutlery should be loosely
held and the knife not used as a dagger. Do not wave your cutlery in
the air and once used, the cutlery should not touch the table again, but
rest on your plate.
Do not refold your table
napkin at the end of the meal but place it loosely on the table, to the
left of your plate.
The rule for handbags and
briefcases, keys, spectacles etc, is that they are kept off the table.
If it is not part of the meal, it should not be on the table.
The dreaded smoking issue.
If you are sitting in the smoking section of a restaurant, you should
never light up between courses. It affects your dinner partners’
enjoyment of their meal even if they are smokers. Wait until
after the meal and ask if anyone minds if you smoke. Smokers’
rights have been completely eroded. If you feel more comfortable,
smoke at the bar. Never use a plate as an ashtray. In private
houses, it is the hosts’ prerogative to allow smoking. If they do,
the same rules prevail. Else, if you are gasping for a cigarette, step
outside if the weather permits.
There are some difficult
foods if one insists on eating them absolutely correctly. When in
doubt, use a knife and fork or just watch what the others are doing.
Asparagus can be eaten with
your fingers. It is quite a sensuous experience. Fingers are
delicately washed in individual finger bowls, which are usually placed
near your plate. It would seem unnecessary to advise against
drinking from a finger bowl, but it has happened when some unfortunate
guest has been ignorant of its correct use. Legend has it that Queen
Victoria, in order to make a guest comfortable who had done just that,
raised her finger bowl to her lips and pointedly drank, which was a signal
for the whole table to follow suit.
Eating artichokes can be
tricky. Pick it up with one hand, remove one leaf at a time and dip
the soft end in the accompanying sauce. Place the soft end in your
mouth and pull gently through your teeth to remove the edible part.
Discard the rest by placing it on the edge or side of the plate but not on
the bread plate. You will reach the heart when you have removed most
or all of the leaves. Scrape the fuzzy part off and then cut the
rest into bite size pieces.
Cake can be eaten with your
fingers if it is in bite-sized pieces. A cake fork is used if you are
presented with a complete slice.
Caviar is spread on
bite-sized pieces of toast and then condiments added, or just take a
little on a caviar spoon and add a squeeze of lemon.
Chicken and fowl are eaten
with a knife and fork unless at a picnic.
Eating crustaceans requires
a whole host of techniques, which depend on which variety you are eating.
Hands and special implements are used. Generally you can get away
with your own style, so eat with confidence.
Olives are eaten whole if
they are pitted. If they are not pitted, hold them in your fingers
and take small bites. Kiss the pit into the palm of the hand and
deposit it on the edge of your plate.
Pasta can be easy if eaten a
few strands at a time, turning them on your fork without the support of a
spoon.
Certain fruits have rules to
follow when eating, if you wish to be strictly correct. It need not
be embarrassing if you break one of these rules, just make whatever you do
look natural. Again, just watching what the others are doing is an
infallible guide.
Here
are just a few of those hallowed rules to quieten your anxiety:
Avocado if still in its
shell, use a spoon. If it is in pieces on a plate, use a knife
and fork.
Berries are eaten with a
spoon if they have no stems attached. If served with their stems,
hold the stem and eat the fruit in a couple of bites, dipping the berry
into sugar or sauce if necessary.
Grapefruit Halves are
generally served with their sections cut and loosened. Eat the
sections with a spoon. Never squeeze the juice.
Lemon Wedges should be
handled with care. They can be secured with a fork and squeezed with
the other hand. Alternatively, pick up the wedge and use your other
hand as a cover to avoid squirting your companions.
Peaches are halved and then
quartered with a knife and the flesh eaten with a fork. Either eat the skin or peel
it off with a knife or your fingers. There will no doubt be finger bowls
should you need them.
Pineapple is eaten with a
spoon if served in small pieces and with a fork if you are presented with
slices.
Watermelon is eaten with a
spoon if served in small pieces, otherwise use your fork. Put the seeds
into the palm of your hand and transfer them to the side of your plate.
Bon Appetit!
WEDDINGS
Planning a wedding can be a major manoeuvre with many
factors to be considered.
In the 21st century, new
rules have evolved as to who pays for what.
Traditionally the bride’s
family bears most of the cost of the wedding, but nowadays some couples,
wanting no expense spared and the perfect wedding, share the cost burden.
This is a personal and individual situation.
The bridal couple agree on a
format, which is then presented to the families for their opinion and
approval.
Generally the bride’s
parents make the announcements in the press and there are formulas for
these that they can follow if they wish.
Imagine the volume of
e-mailing and text messaging that now takes place. BUT it is still not
necessary or acceptable to make cell phone calls publicly and loudly.
The whole world is not interested in your catering arrangements etc.
As a guest, it is essential
to return a reply card if enclosed with a printed invitation.
An e-mail, SMS or telephone
call is acceptable if there is no card. A written reply is still the
preferred response.
No two weddings are alike
and are enriched by religious and cultural differences.
Everything is less
predictable now, but brides remain beautiful, and the occasion memorable. There is comfort in heritage and tradition.
Technology! How on
earth did we ever manage without it?
Illustrations
by Katherine Lauinger
©Leslie
Back - To The Point -
www.showcook.com
ETIQUETTE
REVISITED